Today

List time.

Things I am pissed about today:

The wind
That I think about dying way too much
That I might die young
The pain in my hip
The pain around my implants
The lesion on my thyroid
The pelvic pain that landed me in emerg two days ago (I am fine)
The new cysts that were found all over my ovaries
Never having a CT/MRI/Ultrasound without something new/weird showing up
The recent death of a girl with breast cancer who I used to see every chemo session. She was nice. And pretty. And a few years older than me
Cancer, obviously
Post-traumatic stress
Not knowing what to do with my life
That I might never have a baby
That everyone around me is having babies
That my life’s plans were derailed
That any regular pain or ache might be bone/brain/lung/liver mets
That despite all the hell I put myself through, the drugs might not have done anything
My awkward, impossible to manage hair length
War
Mean people
Poor etiquette

Things I am happy about today:

Cereal
My family
My husband
My friends
The smell of fresh laundry
Being able to walk
The blue sky
Upcoming holidays
Canadian healthcare
Indoor heating
My blanket
The roof over my head
Writing
The Downton Abbey finale episode that awaits me
Vacation plans
Chocolate, always
That my hair grew back
That the drugs might have worked
That it might not always be cancer
This kid:

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15 thoughts on “Today

  1. Stay Strong Steph. I know I have never met you, but I feel a connection with you – and really hope things go well….that the hard days get easier and fewer in number. I have written to you before – and want you to know that without a doubt you have made an impression on my work. I have always known the reports that I create as a radiologist were important to the oncologists, but know you, and patients like you see them and base your emotions on them, have made me more careful, considerate and I hope more compassionate. Thank you.

    • Shelley, I rarely comment on this blog, but, as Steph’s mom, I want to thank you for this reply and tell you how much it means to me personally. For all of those who walk this road with their child, I am grateful for doctors like you.

  2. Steph, you sure brought me a lot of tears tonight….I love how you listed the negatives, THEN THE POSITIVES and that boy! Oh that boy. Please keep your chin up and your positives plentiful and know you are always in my thoughts and prayers. XOXOXOX

  3. Sending hugs your way Steph! I can definitely relate to thinking that any regular ache or pain means something is wrong:( I try my best to not dwell on it though (but fail every single time) *sigh*. I’m sorry to hear about your trip to the emerg. I hope the pain goes away soon! I love your happy list and you definitely focus on those things:) At least try! I’ve got my appointment with the endocrinologist next Monday so a little bit nervous.Trying to distract myself with danish butter cookies:) Keep thinking positive!

  4. wow, what feelings u have….it is never easy, keep writing, keep looking at the little boy with the fish, it so crappy, then I saw the pic of the little boy catching the fish, and I thought, she will be ok, your journey will be ok………

  5. Steph, sorry to hear about your pelvic pain. You’ve been through too much… but somehow you manage to see the positive things in life. Big hugs!

  6. Steph- what kind of pelvic pain were you having? Was it from the cysts? I feel like this has seemed super common Among women after chemo. I have weird pelvic sensations and my dr isn’t worried the least-said could be my ovaries working again or maybe even cysts. I need to make an appt with a gyno. I asked many other women and seems like pelvic pain and cysts have been way common? I don’t know why! I def worry too:/ itl get better with time

    • Hey Becca! They aren’t sure what caused my pain. It was pretty severe, I could barely stand when it was happening. Possibly a ruptured cyst but who knows. The cysts could be because of my tamoxifen or just regular cycle stuff. Send me an email and we can chat more, and let me know how you’re doing! xx

      • Hip pain mixed with pelvic pain throws up huge red flags for me. I know emergency found nothing but mention it to your oncologist. It is how my endometrial adenocarcinoma was detected.

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