As I make my way through hundreds of job postings a day during my job hunt, I’ve been thinking about my current role, which I’d describe as an accidental stay at home mom. I didn’t plan to stay home past a year but finding a good job that’s worth leaving my little guy for isn’t an easy task, so in the interim, here I am.
I feel really fortunate to be at home with my amazing son, and I thank my lucky stars for him every day. But holy guacamole, this is by FAR the most exhausting, demanding job I’ve ever had. Babies are one thing, but toddlers are a whole different ballgame.
I’ve been thinking about how my role as a mom would look when laid out as a job description and what I came up with made me once again realize how totally bananas it is to be a parent, especially one who does it around the clock. So without further delay, here is my job ad. And if anyone is looking to take over my role and let me nap for the next month, feel free to get in touch.
Hello! Are you a natural self-starter who loves a challenge? Then boy oh boy, do we have the job for you!
Here’s a breakdown of some of the things you’ll be doing:
Reading the same book about cars and trucks up to 25 times per day
Playing with cars and trucks for multiple hours a day
Listening and remaining calm as your toddler throws fits of rage while ignoring your desire to scream even louder than he is
Extensive dishwashing
Frequent trips to the grocery store and return trips upon realizing you forgot everything you needed
Preparing meals every 2-3 hours, half of which will not be eaten or thrown on the floor
Singing ‘Wheels on the Bus’ and ‘If You’re Happy and You Know It’ up to 2,000 times per day
Changing 4-8 diapers a day with varying contents
Driving and walking in inclement weather to various activities filled with other toddlers, most of whom are sick and want to lick your child
Getting poked, scratched, and bitten
Other miscellaneous duties such as: bathing, dressing, nail clipping, doctor’s appointments, music classes, counting, teaching the alphabet, dancing, hugging, chasing, crawling, wiping tears, wiping snot, administering medicine, etc.
Qualifications:
Heavy lifting throughout the day up to 30 lbs (or more if you choose to lift tiny human and stroller and diaper bag simultaneously) and constant bending and crouching in uncomfortable positions
Must be comfortable working with horrific smells and toxic waste
Ability to survive and thrive on minimal hours of sleep
Ability to accept your house looks like a bomb went off and will for the next 18 years
Ability to adapt to constant change in a high-stress environment with no guidance or feedback, except from random strangers on the internet, most of whom are just as clueless as you are
Comfortable having your entire existence controlled by a tiny person who doesn’t know how to wipe their own butt
No experience required. We like to just throw you right in the deep end and cross our fingers you don’t drown!
What do we offer?
One break between 30-90 minutes per day (note: 90 minutes is rare and zero minutes is always a possibility). You can use these breaks to quickly make and eat a sandwich, go to the bathroom in private, or research how to make your child nap for longer than 40 minutes
Ability to wear mismatched clothing, sweatpants, or pajamas all day. We encourage you to change your outfit daily but this is not a requirement
Unparalleled moments of happiness and joy that will take your breath away
Meaningful purpose and unconditional love
Unfortunately we cannot offer any vacation time, personal days, or sick days.
***Please note that the hours for this position are unpredictable and vary widely. Between 13-24 hours a day is expected. Average start is 5AM. Weekend work is mandatory.
Salary: This is a volunteer position and you will not be paid. Sorry, sucker!
pass me another cupcake 