Today I completed radiation #15. 10 more to go. Woohoo!
My skin has started burning a bit more, and I have some very unattractive little red bumps. I also have started to notice that my scar near my armpit is stinging. So that’s not fun. But all in all, still not too bad.
Whenever I get a bit frustrated, I remind myself what chemo felt like, and I think, At least I’m not sitting on the toilet with my head resting on the sink while my body shakes and my nose bleeds and my bones throb. And then I immediately feel better again and able to deal with whatever minor discomfort (in comparison) I’m faced with at present time. So thanks, chemo, for giving me a super unpleasant and unique perspective on what it truly means to feel ill.
Today I was a bit of a grumpypants. The weather where I live has been unbearably hot, which is not ideal when you’re receiving daily burns to your skin and have to travel every day by crowded public transit without air conditioning, back and forth to the hospital. On my way to my treatment today, I sent the following texts to my sister:
Sooooo pissed right now on fucking streetcar fuckkkkkk!!!!
Sweat is pouring down my face and back and I’m going to be late cuz it’s just sitting in traffic.
I want to murder everyone!!!!! Everyoneeeeee!!!!!!
So, yes. You might say the daily grind of going to the hospital is getting to me a tad. I even started to feel a bit sorry for myself today during my treatment and almost cried while I lay on the table, I suppose from the combination of exhaustion and overheating. I thought about how I haven’t had a break from this cancer business in over nine months now and I could feel the anger starting to boil from deep within. But I realized that crying while having a tube in my mouth and a plug on my nose would likely make matters a lot worse, so I chose to stifle my emotions for the time being.
10 more to go. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.
To give myself a bit of hope and something fun to do, I’ve started collecting several photos of ladies with short hair, in the hopes that eventually my hair will grow long enough to have some sort of actual style vs. the buzz cut look I’m forced to sport right now.
Every time I see a short-haired girl out on the streets, I stare at her and oooh and ahhh. I’ve become a tad obsessed. To the point that I now even feel that people with long hair are a bit boring. I’m not part of their club anymore. I’m part of a new club, full of fierce, bold women who’ve shorn their long tresses in an act of defiance against what society deems to be feminine and pretty. Or, who’ve lost all their hair to cancer and chemo and had no choice in the matter.
Whatever. Almost the same thing.
Here are some of the photos I’ve collected.
I never thought that I would have hair as short as any of these, but now that I am, I am strangely excited about it. I just want it to grow. At lightning speed. Is that too much to ask? I think not.
In conclusion, I want the heat to go away, radiation to end, and my hair to grow. Whaddya know, three wishes. Now all I need is a genie.
Come on, come on, and dance all night
Despite the heat, it’ll be alright
pass me another cupcake 
Good morning. I’m having some issues posting comments but I thought I would try one more time. Steph, I have to say, reading your blog has really moved me and helped me to understand a little more what those going through chemo and radiation are actually feeling. My mother-in-law is currently battling breast cancer and having a very tough go with the chemo. She, of course, if much older than you and doesn’t have the benefit of youth. She feels, at this point, she is unable to continue with the treatments.
As there is really nothing I can do for her other than being there, I’ve decided to do the Shoppers Drug Mart Weekend to End Women’s Cancers. I’ve blogged alot about my efforts and am really trying to come up with “fun” ways to raise money. I even did a daily “bed head” photo that was pretty hilarious.
I have just accepted a box of wonderful, brand new, romance novels – all SIGNED by the authors and am selling tickets for a book raffle. I would love to be able to reach a couple of people here on your blog with a link to my blog, in the hopes that I find a few people who might like to purchase some raffle tickets.
Again, thank you so much for writing this blog. You are such a brave young women and writing is fabulous!
I THINK YOU WILL LOOK JUST BEAUTIFUL IN SHORT HAIR. yOUR FACE WILL SHINE THROUGH, WITH THOSE GREAT EYES. GO FOR IT, IT WILL GROW BACK IF YOU DONT LIKE IT. I AM YELLING. BECAUSE I WANT THE WORLD TO HEAR HOW GREAT YOU ARE DOING.
You will look great in a cute pixie style with those beautiful eyes of yours, and they still sparkle! Check out Ginnifer Goodwin’s short hair styles, she used to have long hair too! So did I and was so happy to finally have ‘Style’ with a short cut!
Sorry about the heat causing Grumpypants moods, sweating on public transit is never a good thing:( K.
You’re a great writer! Maybe a book?
Thank you! We’ll see… 😉
My sister has just finished her radiation and chemo this past winter (same….breast cancer) and she has the cutest short hairdo. She is 54, so it came in salt and pepper. But she has people come up to her on the street to compliment her. Short hair will suit you….think Anne Hathaway! You have a lovely face…..should be uncovered!! Good luck….you are almost there, Stephanie.
Steph, I felt grumpy just reading what you have been through! You said it yourself – 9 months dealing with this-That is a long time! Damn, you are amazing, though, to be
going through it with your attitude! Hang in there..with every treatment, you are that much closer to finishing!!! I hope you are planning a party when you finish your last treatment! Thinking and praying for you…love you, Helene
I don’t start working until 11 am Mondays and Thursdays– so I would be very happy to pick you up and drive you to the hospital on those days. I live at Bathurst and Eglinton so I am not that far from where you live.
Everybody gets grumpy. I think it’s great to let out frustrations and I think it’s great to vent to your sister.
Let me know if you would like me to drive you on those days.
Thank you Terri, that is such a nice offer! I’m ok though, for the most part it really isn’t too much trouble getting there because I tend to go in off hours (early afternoon). Yesterday was just a particularly bad day with some bad luck. I treated myself to a cab this morning 🙂
I think Brittany Russel is you new best friend!!!
It’s okay to be captain grumpy pants once in a while…faking happiness is exhausting! 🙂
You are the most wonderful young woman. Your strong positive attitude is contagious…if you can deal with this hand of cards you can do anything….you are inspiring! Thankyou for sharing your inner most feelings…
Thank you Jill for the nice comment!
I Loved having short hair! You are such a stunner, you’ll pull it off better than half those ladies out there! Another bonus, when you have short hair, you can wear long and pretty dangly earrings and everyone will see them! Just another thing to look forward to. You CAN do it. ❤
More ideas…I love short hair;
Oooh thank you! I will have to peruse through all of these very carefully…
I know you can, know you can…..Great song by the Lovin’ Spoonful (love that you included that link!), Stephanie – in the summer, in the city, in the summer, in the city….wish I had short hair right now – it’s oddly hot and humid here in the the SF Bay Area! You are brave, bright, and beautiful, short hair or long…..
❤ on days like today, I think of cutting my hair short. I had one of those short do's years ago. I will say the things I remember most….(1) less time in the shower (2) so easy to maintain (3) not sweating and breaking out on my neck….I think short is IN!!!!
Contact the Canadian Cancer Society – brussell@ontario.cancer.ca. We can get you set up with free rides to your treatments. Hello AC, a personal chaueffer and no overcordwing! Would love to help!