Scattered thoughts

Some thoughts from my very tired mind:

  • Today I saw multiple incidents where strangers were yelling at each other and saying nasty things in the street. A streetcar rider mad at an automobile driver. A biker mad at a pedestrian. Everyone just mad at the world, at everyone, and everything. And you know what? These days, mad people are what make me… well, mad. Sometimes I wish I could just touch someone and they’d get a quick glimpse into the hell that has been much of the past year for me and my husband. And then maybe they would think, oh geez, this really isn’t worth getting that angry over. If you have your health, and you have at least one person in your life who wants to be around you at least some of the time, then as far as I’m concerned, you have it pretty good. Can we all just stop hating each other and hating the world for one second? Seriously. Stop. Life is good.

  • Yesterday I participated in a video that will be shown during the first night of the Weekend to End Women’s Cancers walk. After we were finished, I was asked if I would be the speaker at the closing ceremonies of the Walk at the Rogers Centre, and represent all the survivors. I was really honoured and said yes, and asked if instead of reading from a script, I could write it myself. I don’t really think reading someone else’s words will sound anything like me, or necessarily be what I would want to say. So now I’ll have to think of what I want to say. I am not worried about writing it. I love writing speeches. The thing I was most excited for about having a wedding was getting to write a speech (besides the whole getting married thing, I liked that too). So I should be okay in that area. I am mostly worried about being a huge sweaty mess and having my eyebrows melt off my face. Or going completely blank and just saying, “Breast cancer sucks!!!” and having everyone throw tomatoes at my head.
  • I’m thinking of writing a book. Just thinking about it. I have a lot of people really pushing me to do it. So I guess I’m in the early planning stages. In other words, I have written nothing. Well, besides this entire blog, which I guess is something. But there is so much more to say, and such a longer story to tell. I just don’t think I have the emotional stamina to deal with it right now, since I’m trying hard to NOT think about cancer as much as I can. So I might leave it alone for a bit, and tackle it when I’m ready. I’ve already imagined it being turned into a screenplay, and I’ve thought about what I would say in my Oscar acceptance speech. I realize this is jumping ahead a bit and I should probably attempt to write a sentence or two before buying a fancy gown. But go big or go home, right? Right.
  • I went back to work this week on a part-time schedule. It was a bit overwhelming as I had to try to absorb a lot of new information in a short amount of time. But I think I’ll get the hang of it again after a bit more time. I refuse to allow myself to get stressed, or to let anyone else’s stress rub off on me. I can’t really afford to be stressed. And I kind of have this new life perspective now, where it isn’t too difficult for me to separate what is truly worth getting in a panic over vs. what is not. Pretty much almost everything falls into the latter category.
  • I’ve been buying some clothes lately, because it felt necessary after wearing pretty much nothing but pajamas and sweatpants for a year. I remember after I was first diagnosed, I couldn’t bring myself to shop and didn’t want to buy any clothing. It felt pointless, like maybe I wouldn’t live long enough to wear the clothes or maybe I’d never have a need for regular clothes again, or never like the way I looked in anything. I didn’t want to be dead, with a bunch of new clothes, and have to leave my family to deal with getting rid of all them. Clearly, my mind was in a pretty dark state. But it ain’t there anymore. I love clothes. I want more. MORE MORE MORE.
  • Today I went to a check-up at the hospital, where three different people looked at and squished my boobs. While I was sitting in the waiting room, I saw so many scared women, clearly only at the beginning of their “journey”. You can usually tell by who has long hair. I remember being that scared girl those first few months, sitting in the waiting room, wanting to cry in the corner and be pretty much anywhere else. And I’d look at other ladies with short hair, who clearly had just finished their treatment, and I was in awe of them, wondering if I’d ever make it to that point. And as I sat there today, with my almost-pixie hair, feeling confident and healthy, I realized I was at that point. I am now the girl that others are staring at, wondering if they’ll make it over to the other side. Wondering how I survived. Truthfully, I don’t know how I did. But somehow I made it. I am part of the short-hair club. I am someone others look to for hope and inspiration. If they only knew that I laugh when people fall down, or when someone farts, then maybe they wouldn’t feel so inspired. But that can be our secret.
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13 thoughts on “Scattered thoughts

  1. Steph,

    Your blog is truly inspirational and I am in awe of your positive attitude. I hope you do eventually decide to write a book I know so many people including myself would rush out to buy it and savor every word. You must be so honored to be asked to speak at the closing ceremonies of the weekend to end breast cancer, I hope you will post the video to your blog so we can all see you blow everyone away.

    Be well,
    Kayla

  2. Your blog has been truly inspirational. Just this week I lost a close friend to cancer (much older than you — and different cancer) but over the past few months I would often pass along your words to her. So many things the same — the terror, the confusion, the black thoughts. I’m so happy (as was she!) that you have walked through the fire and come out scorched but smiling.

    1. Hi Chris, I am really sorry to hear about your friend and really touched that you shared my blog with her. Thanks for the comment and I’m sorry for your loss.

    1. Haha I am known for overuse of exclamation marks. I often have to go back and edit my emails and take a bunch out because I realize I just sound excited about everything. But I feel like I sound angry if I don’t use them!
      !!!!

  3. I am so excited for you! I’m sure your speech will be amazing! Can’t wait to see the video. Congrats to you!!
    Oh and yeah!!! for retail therapy!!

  4. Hi Steph, Debbie here in South Africa. I am at the beginning of my journey. I have been randomly dipping into your posts. Thanks so much for putting them out into the ether!
    I am inspired to find a new zany name for my blog!!!

    http://debsbcjourney.com

    Take care, I can feel you are very special.

  5. Once again I am loving your blog! I think writing a book is a great idea. I did it after I went thru chemo and radiation and it got published in April of this year. I would love to send you a copy – would you send me an email with your address. You can also send it thru Facebook. Hugs to you – you are one strong chick! โค

    1. Fanny, her proud mother will be videotaping as she and her father enter the Rogers Centre, along with all the other survivors. I can say, from past experience seeing her dad walk in, it’s a very emotional experience for everyone. I’ll be videotaping Steph’s keynote address too in between my happy tears.

  6. your scattered thoughts are more coherent and meaningful than 95% of us ordinary people!! You really are the Super Steph that I love and admire. I hope they videotape you giving your speech so I don’t have to feel bad about missing it completely! Pace yourself and enjoy yoru renentry…. Hugs F

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