Diary entry, February 8, 2015

Dear diary,

Sorry it’s been awhile. I’ve been pretty busy and am usually too exhausted by the end of the day to update you on the various goings-on in my life. And when I’m not working, or writing, or doing various extracurriculars, I am spending time binge-watching old Friends episodes, along with everyone else in North America. Turns out the whole Ross-and-Rachel saga is just as enthralling as it was twenty years ago.

I’m not sure if I’ve told you this already, but I’ve been taking improv comedy classes at Second City since last summer. At first, it was just a writing assignment, to challenge myself to try it out, even though I’d had no prior interest. I’m now almost finished the third level, and signed up for the fourth. I look forward to it every week. I get to laugh and make other people laugh, which are two of my very favourite things. I’m not sure how serious I’ll get with it, but for now, I’m having a gay ol’ time.

Oh! I also should mention, I will be sailing the high seas in a month. My family and I are headed for the Caribbean to escape this brutal winter and spend some QT together. When I was sick, we had talked about taking a trip to somewhere warm once I finished treatment. So I reached into my wallet, pulled out my cancer card, and reminded my family of the idea, and–voilà! Off we go. I’ve been hitting life pretty hard these days, and though I can’t complain, I’m looking forward to a bit of a break from it all. I am always happiest when I’m looking out at the ocean.

Speaking of cancer cards, it’s getting harder and harder to use mine. People start to forget after awhile. And that’s okay, I don’t blame them. After all, my hair is getting closer to shoulder-length. I even had someone recently compliment my eyebrows, which was nice to hear, considering the nicely groomed, dark arches you see are just the product of my handiwork with some eyebrow gel. I’ve pretty much given up on the idea that my real eyebrows, in all their former glory, will ever come back. A small price to pay for still being alive, sure, but kind of a bummer. My days of running out the door without worrying about makeup are long gone. I remember I never really liked my eyebrows before. They were kind of unruly and I didn’t know what to do with them. It’s funny thinking about that now.

Don’t it always seem to go,
That you don’t know what you’ve got
‘Til it’s gone

I recently had to go over my medical history at an appointment with a new dentist. She asked about surgeries and medications, which obviously led to having to reveal I am part of the young and the breastless club. I wish everyone in the world could just get the memo that I had cancer, because I am so over the sad/shocked/concerned reaction people have when I tell them. The dentist did the typical “Wow, at your age?!” followed up by the requisite “Is it a hereditary cancer? No? Wow!”

When I see the pity look in people’s eyes, it makes me feel pity for myself, and then I start to feel really sad. Which is no good, because I don’t want to feel that way. I can remember one time having to explain my cancer history to some sort of professional – I can’t remember who or why – and he just acted normally, continued the conversation, without his mouth dropping to the floor, and without making me feel like some sort of circus freak. That was great. More of that would be nice. But unfortunately, most people are still quite misinformed about the fact that young adults can and do get cancer, so the typical reaction is one like this:

In other cancer-related business, I recently requested to switch my brand of tamoxifen, because my hot flashes were keeping me up all night, which made me feel like this:

I had switched before, accidentally, when there had been a shortage at all pharmacies of my usual brand. I noticed that my symptoms seemed to be better. When my original brand was back in stock, I went back on it for my next refill… and whaddya know, the hot flashes came back with a vengeance. Apparently certain brands can cause different symptoms. 

Why did no one suggest I try another one in the past 1.5 years I’ve been suffering?

Your guess is as good as mine. Just another reminder that I gotta keep looking out for numero uno, because no one else is doing it for me. I called the pharmacy and requested to switch. So far, the flashes are better, although the general insomnia might be slightly worse. But if I’m going to be lying awake at night, I’d rather do it without feeling like my body is engulfed in flames. These are the options I have. Most cancer treatments just kind of suck. No one said it would be a party. Although wouldn’t that be great if it were?

Anyway, that’s about all I’ve got right now, as I’m starting to feel my eyes get heavy. Did you know that cancer ages you about one million years? They don’t advertise that when they tell you you have cancer, but you figure it out a bit later. It’s okay though, because it also means I have an excuse to take naps for the rest of my life, which if you ask me, is pretty sweet.

Signing off until next time,

Steph