Hold on for one more day

This past Friday, I was once again a patron of the chemo ward. As you may or may not recall from previous posts, although I am technically done the chemotherapy part of my treatment, I still need to receive infusions every three weeks for one year. This is because I have an aggressive form of breast cancer, and there is an antibody that was created specifically to target this type of cancer. It has been referred to as “the most important advance in breast cancer therapy in 30 years.” Although it’s a bummer to have over a year of infusions, it’s a small price to pay to help increase the odds that I will be alive and kicking a few years from now. I am very grateful to be receiving this therapy, and to be part of a clinical trial involving another targeted drug. In conclusion, science is awesome.

My treatment this round went fairly smoothly. The only time I started to cry was when I was watching another young woman cry who was having trouble getting her IV started. I hate watching other people in pain. And despite the amazing nurses and staff at the hospital, the chemo ward can still be a fairly unsettling place to spend your time. Sometimes I see people who look as though they are about two steps from death’s door. I often feel like I don’t belong. Did someone make a mistake? Do I really have cancer? It still hits me like a punch in the gut sometimes. I don’t know if I will ever get used to being part of this world. I don’t think I want to get used to it.

I have been having some pretty severe muscle pains and stomach issues. But compared to how I usually feel right now during my chemo cycles, my energy is definitely about a million times better, as is my state of mind, so I’m very hopeful that the next year will not be as rough as the past several months have been. I am really praying that the worst is behind me.

Last week, my blog and I were featured on the website She Does The City. I am always very flattered every time someone contacts me asking if they can publish one of my posts or have me write something for them. When I first started this blog, I had no idea that it would spread the way it has or that it would actually create any type of impact. I have had many people write to me, telling me that I have helped them feel less alone while they are dealing with a cancer diagnosis, and these types of messages help give some sort of meaning to this absurd journey I have been on. Considering how isolated I have been, I have made so many connections with all sorts of people. Writing and having people urging me to write has truly been one of the only upshots of this experience. Something providing me with a purpose. So I suppose I should thank the internet, and modern day communication. And thank everyone who reads and reaches out to me and tells me I am doing something helpful during a very scary and very challenging time in my life.

Today I declared that I felt strong enough for some “cancer dancing” and danced around to ย various cheesy songs until I felt that my limbs were about to fall off. I was bouncing around for about fifteen minutes, which is fifteen minutes longer than I could stand a few weeks ago. And I didn’t fall down, despite the pain in my legs. An insignificant event for most. A major accomplishment for little ol’ me.

That’s my sister with me in the video. What’s the point in embarrassing yourself if you can’t take someone else down with you? Also, the scarf on my head was forgotten by a friend at my house one night, accidentally. Moral of the story: if you leave something in my home, it will most likely end up on my head.


22 thoughts on “Hold on for one more day

  1. Well ,now we are dancing and that is good,Your father and your Uncles from Massey can now teach you and jacob how to square dance.I will find a fiddler to play and we will have a good old fashioned breakdown when ready. Keep moving in your head and body,the glass is only half full. lv to you as always Unc Jack,Aunt Fran.

  2. love the scarf, looks stunning on you, with or without hair, you and your sister look so alike!!!
    I believe everyone is put on this planet for a purpose. Your have found yours, you are lucky, some people search all their lives trying to find their purpose. Your path….helping others, such an amazing path to have.

  3. omg, i LOVE it! 1) you guys don’t give yourselves any credit for your lovely singing! You are rocking’ the vocals just as much as the moves! 2) I love that no matter what you’re always showing off your beautiful red lips! 3) when I get back, I’d love to come by for a dance party…perhaps we could bring out a little ace of base, or even some Hanson….? Glad to read that you’re feeling a little better. lots of love from the sea! xoxo

  4. Thanks for the embarrassment sister – glad I could contribute to your blog in a meaningful way ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Hi Steph- Love the new Blog header! SuperSteph suits you well! The dancing was awesome
    that is how I also blow off some anxiety overload! I throw on some early Usher, Nikki Minaj or Pink and go off! Good thing I don’t have a pole in the living room. I too felt like I didn’t belong in the waiting rooms at the oncologist or chemo treatments. One time I came straight from the beach with a tan and shorts and flip-flops. I felt guilty looking so casual and tan so I sat in a corner and didn’t remove my sunglasses. (My time came to look a bit more pale but I always try to look good, dress up throw on radical jewelry and fake it!) By the way, don’t worry about not having any hair, your perfectly glossed lips make up for everything else you think you are lacking!
    Keep looking forward, Attitude is Everything! K

  6. I guess that “dance like no one is watching” is not relevant in this case! Thanks for dancing. xxoo Nicki

  7. You girls “got the moves.”! You put a smile on my face and you have motivated me to open the windows, put on the music and do a dance of my own! Love you guys! Helene

  8. Know the feeling Steph somedays I forget I have cancer. Just so surreal. Like are they sure? Even after the surgeries and the chemo and the hair loss, I’m like really? Do I really have cancer? Love the scarf by the way! x

  9. Steph – you are amazing, you are beautiful and you are loved! Keep turning your face to the sun, keep the smile on your face and keep dancing! You are an inspiration to many and espically those of us who are walking or have walked the same path as you. xo

  10. steph, I am so sorry you got this dreaded disease. I believe that you were meant to help and be a wonderful inspiration. to everyone you have touched in your blog. you have made such a difference in people who are sick with cancer, and people who do not know how to reach out to loveone in their family and friends. You have taught people how to understand good and bad about this horrible illness. . Thank you and god bless you. love Rhoda and Sherwin

  11. โค love you so much…..I think dancing runs in our family too! The fantastic singing is most likely from the other side of your family!! lol xoxoxoxox

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s