Wowzas, it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me. My sincerest apologies. I just took a look at my stats and it appears people are still showing up here every day. Have you been waiting for me? Here I am!
Another reason I know people are still stopping by is that I get frequent emails (which I may or may not refer to as fan mail), mostly from young women who have just been diagnosed with breast cancer and want to know all the details of how I ended up having a baby. How cool that I get to be a beacon of hope for someone who is having trouble seeing any sliver of a silver lining.
And on that note, I have a very important update which I have been meaning to share with some of the people who I care about the most – you! My faithful readers, most of whom I do not even know.
If you think it was pretty exciting when I got pregnant the first time, well, break out the champagne and party hats because another little miracle baby is on his way, coming this June.
I’ve had people ask me if this was planned/if we expected it. Which means a lot of people forget that I had cancer and am not allowed to get pregnant without a lot of careful planning. But I don’t mind. I don’t need you to remember about my cancer all the time. You have many other things to remember. Sometimes, I forget too. Which is really terrific. But for the most part, I’m stuck with reminders everywhere, and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. (P.S. Remember when I had cancer and everyone was sending me treats all the time, like cookies? Oh boy, that was nice. People don’t send you treats when you’re healthy. But overall it’s a very good tradeoff, and I do have other means of procuring cookies if need be.)
I’m really excited for this little boy who is kicking me from the inside right now. (My other boy has hit a fun phase of kicking me too, so I am doubly blessed.) What will he look like? Act like? Will he be like his big bro, or a completely different specimen? Will he sleep for more than 20 minutes at a time? A mom can dream.
I’m also nervous. And scared. I wrote a bit about that here. Things will likely be tough again for awhile. But hopefully a bit more manageable than the last go round.
I also get scared because having kids has really raised the stakes in terms of the importance of my being alive. I was always scared about possibly dying too early, same as anyone who’s had a cancer diagnosis before their life has really kicked into gear. But I could somewhat cope with it. Now I cannot let my brain go to that place. With two little kiddies who need me… it’s just an entirely unbearable thought. Sometimes my brain can’t help it, and those intrusive thoughts come in. I imagine my kids not remembering me, or being raised by someone else. Me not seeing them grow up. I can’t imagine anything worse.
Ugh cancer. You’re such a bummer.
But those thoughts are few and far between. I’m too busy making a human and chasing after a little human who tires me out way too much to have any deep thoughts beyond what I’m going to eat next and when will the next episode of The Bachelor air. My family keeps me grounded. And distracted. And for that, I am grateful.
Sometimes I think of my life like that Gwyneth Paltrow movie Sliding Doors, where there are two versions. In one version, things went the opposite way as they have gone, and it’s a pretty sad ending. I couldn’t have babies. The cancer came back. Game over. But in the other version, I turned out okay and continued on the path I was supposed to be on. A second chance, that I really did nothing to deserve.
By some stroke of luck, the second version ended up being the true story in my movie. I don’t know why and I don’t know what it all means, or if it means anything at all. And it’s probably not the real, final ending. I assume this is some kind of ongoing series, like a trilogy, or maybe an anthology. Who knows what the future installments will look like. I could choose to obsess over them, but we all know that would be a very poor use of my time. And if I’ve learned anything, it’s that you don’t want to waste whatever time you do have worrying about the things you have zero control over. Easier said than done, of course. But that’s where the reality TV and cookies come in. Thank goodness for life’s small pleasures.
And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see